A Call To Arms

I haven't truly ranted on here in a while. That is about to change.

*Warning: Poor language and obvious rambling will likely ensue from this point on.*

Ok. I admit that I watch television. I'm not proud of that! Who the hell is? I am an American Idol junkie, that god damned program is like crack, and don't even get me started on Top Chef, Hell's Kitchen, The Dog Whisperer (and I don't even like dogs) or Big Bang. Fuck you, sue me.

Being an admitted television viewer, I feel qualified in stating my opinion that television commercials have become an anomaly that I haven't a clue what to do with.

When I was a younger soul, I watched television as well. Commercials were just as annoying then as they are now, but my youth prevented me from furthering my middle aged ass spread. That's right, I never stayed still long enough to actually watch them, I was more apt to get up and go pee or grab some cookies or something. Not now! It's an effort to haul myself out of the recliner. This means I'm forced to view this pandering bullshit on a fairly regular basis, like every 7 fucking minutes.

Commercials used to have a point. Some mousy housewife would come on screen wearing a linen dress and a frilly apron and tout the healthy benefits of a Swanson Frozen Dinner and its convenient foil tray, or a dusty, weathered cowboy would inform us of the smooth pleasure of a Marlboro Cigarette.

Things have changed quite a bit. Now we have Target making obscure references to products flashed on the screen between Dali-ish visuals and a cover of some classic song that has been "updated" to a mere shell of its former self, or a mostly naked chick creaming her panties over a chocolate square the size of a quarter from Ghirardelli, or a crack whore having an audible orgasm while using her shampoo. How about the sexually repressed bastard who breaks into song because he sits on a stupid sofa in a La-Z-boy furniture store? "I'm in love with this woooooooooman!" Don't they realize that there are impressionable people in the world? Did they stop to consider that from now until eternity, Jeffee will forever sing the same fucking song to me every time he sits down? I want to hit that man in the face with a shovel for causing me this grief. Know what Jeff does every time he thinks he's done something spectacular? He screams "Wizzzzzard!" Fuck you Alltel.

I'm sick of this abuse. I want the powers that be to suffer, as I have. I want each and every one of you to start a grassroots protest! I want these bastards punished!

The last straw, the commercial that has sent me over the edge belongs to AT&T's Go Phone. I was minding my own business, sitting there, staring at the TV while I tried desperately to tune out the commercial interlude that was abusing me, when I was was rudely interrupted by Meatloaf. MEATLOAF!

WHY?

What genius thought having Meatloaf and his son dramatize a re-worked version of Paradise By The Dashboard Lights would inspire someone to go buy their phone? Are these people insane? First of all, if you were to take a poll asking women to make a list of the most unattractive males on the planet, Meatloaf would place somewhere between Larry King and Dennis Rodman. Second, anyone who had a nerdy little sister lived the very real torture of hearing that god forsaken song played no less than 400 times a day, no shit. And finally, IT'S MEATLOAF!

Gah! I can't stand it!

Who is in charge here? Who do I complain to? The Attorney General's office has no department that handles these types of complaints. The FCC thinks I'm crazy. The church doesn't care, and AT&T doesn't answer their fucking phone, worse, the computer generated voice on their automated line is almost as horrific as the commercial itself - a body can only take so much after exposure.

We MUST put an end to this type of abuse! Isn't there a congressman out there willing to champion this cause? Can we get a filibuster?

Fuck me.

posted by Kim @ 4/09/2008 06:41:00 AM Who Reads This Crap? Comment: 18

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