Let's All Go Brazilian

You all know he's crazy, right?

You KNOW who I'm talking about, don't you?

Of course you do.

I can't name names in this post for reasons which will be obvious shortly, but I'm sure if you use your imaginations a little bit, you'll have it all figured out by the end.

So he's decided to take his girlfriend to Vegas. This will be the first time they've traveled anywhere together and spent any real length of time in each other's company. Understandably, he's a little nervous. What if she discovers he's borderline insane? What if all the farts he's unleashed in front of her lately are no longer deemed "cute" or a sign of his sense of security in her presence? What if his practice of throwing underwear and socks away after one use sends her over the edge? Serious considerations to be sure.

The plan was to pick him up at his house, drive across town, pick her up and then take them to the airport. Simple enough, yes?

No.

Upon arrival at his house, one would notice that the man isn't walking exactly right. Worse, as he's attempting to get into his seat in the car, much consideration on his part is taking place. There is an almost imperceptible adjustment occurring in the nether regions of his crotch and he's performing a very slow and controlled descent towards his seat. When asked as to why so much thought is being given to the act of getting into the car, one comes upon the horrific realization that sometimes, people will tell you things you really just don't want to know...

"Oh, well, I've got to be careful so the glass doesn't break."

"Glass?"

"Yeah, I taped some reefer to my balls."

In stunned response, it is only natural to say "WHAT?"

"Well yeah, I wanted to take a doobie with me in case I get the jitters, you know, to help the mood a little bit. I don't want to try to buy any when I'm there so I taped some to my balls., wanna see?"

Before one can possibly say "NO!" emphatically enough, the man starts to undress before your eyes, so that he might demonstrate the finer arts of taping reefer to a scrotum.

"Look!" He says, as you notice an elaborate winding of tape that starts around the abdomen, winds around a thigh and ends in a mass of pubic hair in said region. Encased in all of this tape is a glass bottle the size of a golf ball. He looks your way clearly pleased with his work as he continues to explain, "See? I wrapped the pot in cellophane then stuck it in this bottle and voila! I taped it where nobody will find it."

"Are you fucking crazy?"

"What? Why?"

"Dude! Get that off of you right now, get it off!"

"What the hell for? Do you know how long it took to do this?"

"You dumb ass! You're going to an airport!"

"So?"

"SO? So there are drug sniffing dogs at the fucking airport you retard! Do you want to get arrested?"

"Dogs?"

"Yes! Fucking dogs you asshole! Oh my God, I can't believe you did that! You'll be standing in line or walking by and a fucking dog will knock your dumb ass to the floor and start barking at your balls, do you really want to know what that is like old man?"

"Oh shit, dogs. That would suck. Fuck! Okay, I guess I better go in and get this off then."

"Ya think? Jesus Christ!" So the car is turned off and you follow the man inside. What you are treated to next is a series gingerly performed maneuvers including disjointed hopping and cursing as you watch the man rip tape off his nuts, taking little fine hairs and a layer or two of very sensitive skin along with it, "God damn! That's good tape, fuck me! OUCH!"

...And these are the things I know about.

posted by Kim @ 10/27/2006 08:15:00 AM Who Reads This Crap? Comment: 31

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