The True Meaning of MILF

I was considered a "cool" kid in school. I enjoyed a life free of harassment and got invited to all the good parties, sleepovers, etc. I always knew the latest gossip, the coolest slang, the coolest people. It was a good life then and my ego was soaring.

In my mind's eye, I have remained relatively cool. Though I am the mother of 10 or so children, and have 4 grandkids, I don't really act or look like what would stereotypically be the imagery you would conjure for that. My kids have kept me young, slightly jaded, but young.

When my oldest daughter was 17, she had a group of boys who practically lived at our house. Kimmy was always surrounded by these guys, Brian, John and Mike. They preferred to hang out at our house and watch movies or play video games and especially liked playing cards with Jeff and I. We were close to these boys and treated them like family.

One day, as I was cleaning the house, I came into the room they were all sitting in and inadvertently overheard them discussing me.

"She's cool", said John.

"Yeah, it's awesome coming over here and hanging out", said Mike.

"Yeah, It's really cool that they let us crash here and feed us", said Brian.

"Yeah, Kimmy's mom is a MILF" said Mike.

(much laughter) "I guess she is", said John.

"Dude! She is!", said Mike.

Then I rounded the corner of the family room and stood before them.

"A MILF? What's a MILF?", I asked, not being familiar with this slang.

"OOOOOOOH MY GOD!", said John.

"Ha ha Dude, you got busted!" Brian said to Mike.

"Shut up! It's nothing Kim", said Mike.

"Yeah, it's nothing", said John.

"Well, it must mean something, you all look like you just swallowed a goat." I said. "What does it mean?", I really needed to know! Anyone who has ever spent time with teenaged boys knows that there's always a meaning you don't quite grasp and unless you press for answers you walk around clueless. Of course, pressing them for answers doesn't necessarily mean your going to get an honest one, as I was about to learn the hard way.

"A MILF is just a term we use to describe a cool mom, you know, like, you let us come over and hang out and stuff and you aren't weird. It's a good thing." said John.

"Oh. Well, thank you boys! That's awfully nice of you to say! A MILF huh? Well, I'm honored." I said, sincerely flattered that these nice boys had such a high regard for me. Although Mike was looking kind of sideways at John, I assumed he was simply embarrassed that his true thoughts about my coolness were overheard by me, I figured he would get over it soon enough and opted to just let the issue go. "So I'm a MILF" I giggled a little, feeling very proud, "In that case, and since you boys have made my day, let's all go to Dairy Queen, my treat".

"Uh, no, I don't think so Kim", said John, "We have a bunch of stuff to do today and we really need to get going, but thanks for the offer", as he rose to gather his things. The other boys all stood as well and the lot of them were acting a bit strange, but as I said, teenaged boys are weird anyway so I didn't think too much of it.

"Ok then guys, I'll see you later, hang on, I'll go get Kimmy", and I left the room.

Two minutes later, I heard my daughter yell "YOU SAID WHAT?", followed by a round of laughter. Then I heard her say, "You sick bastards!", and then her laughter. I smiled to myself that my daughter had such nice friends and felt proud that she could hold her head up high knowing that her mother was a MILF and was recognized for her coolness even by her friends. I thought it was cute that she would tease them for thinking such a thing.

A few days later, I had to attend a meeting at Kimmy's school with her teachers and the principal. My daughter, though brilliant, was screwing off in school and her grades were at risk. We met in the principal's office and commenced discussing what we could do to intervene and save her record for the year.

"Kim, you need to find a way to impart the seriousness of her situation to her", said the principal.

"Yes, I know. I have tried everything I can to get her to understand, she just doesn't seem to care."

"It can be hard to reach kids her age, they don't call it a generation gap for nothing", said one of her teachers.

"I know! I don't get it! I have no problem getting through to her brothers and sisters, but for some reason, she just doesn't listen to me." I said. "Even her friends! I have a great relationship with them, they would rather hang out at our house than anywhere, they love to sit and talk and play cards with us, in fact I have such a close relationship with them that they even called me a MILF!"

"Excuse me?", asked the principal.

A loud cough was heard from one of the teachers and everyone across from me shifted in their chairs.

"You know, a MILF, the boys just told me not even three days ago that I'm a MILF. If that isn't a sure sign of my ability to bridge the generation gap, I don't know what is", I said. Surely, my ability to relate to teens was being demonstrated by this title. I was proud to tell them.

"Well Kim, I'm not sure how great a sign that is, but I can see your point. In any event we're going to have to conclude this meeting, we'll meet again on Monday, and bring Kimmy with you."

We all said our goodbyes and I returned home to talk to my daughter. I told her about her grades and the concerns her teachers were having, and as usual, she was blowing me off.

"Kimmy, I just don't understand why you have such a hard time listening to me! Your friends don't, in fact they enjoy taking with Jeff and I, I mean, honey! For crying out loud, I'm a MILF".

"What? Your a what?", gasped my daughter.

"A MILF! If your friends think enough of me to call me that, why can't you?"

"MOM! Do you know what a MILF is???"

"YES", I said indignantly. Why couldn't my daughter just think of me as a cool mom like her friends did? "It is a slang term used to described a cool mom. John told me all about it."

"MOM! John's an asshole! It doesn't mean "cool mom"! It means Mom I'd Like to Fuck!", said my daughter, then she erupted into hysterical laughter, laughter that was directed at me.

"What? You're kidding me!" I said.

"Mom, didn't you wonder what MILF stood for? It's an acronym!"

"I just thought you kids invented a word! I had no idea!", then, slowly, everything began to make sense. The boys squirming and quickly leaving, Mike's weird expression, John's giggles, and then... The conversation at the school. Oh my God! I had just told the principal that I was a MILF.

"Oh Kimmy, oh honey, I'm so sorry..." I said. "Kimmy, I just told your teachers and your principal that I was a MILF!"

"WHAT?", asked my daughter, totally horrified.

"I thought it meant a cool mom who could talk to kids! I didn't know!" Oh no, no, this couldn't have happened...

"Oh my GOD MOM! I can't believe you! You have ruined my life!", yelled my daughter. "What would possess you to say that?"

So I explained. Then I told her we had to meet with everyone on Monday. She was beside herself.

My first reaction was horror, the next was embarrassment, then resignation. Once again, not only had I innocently embarrassed myself, I proudly did it at my daughter's school. I had also thanked the pervert boys for lusting after me, gleefully at that. It dawned on me that all of my supposed coolness was completely imagined and that in fact, not only was I NOT cool, I was an utter dork. The lesson here is that your ego is yours and yours alone. If you have children, prepare yourself for a reality check and wear plenty of padding, the trip down is harsh and old people bruise easily.

posted by Kim @ 4/02/2005 08:43:00 AM Who Reads This Crap? Comment: 89

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