Oops, I did it again.
My daughter Anna is a girl. I know what you're thinking, no shit right? No, I mean she is a GIRL. I have four other daughters, but none of them have ever displayed characteristics so innately feminine as this child, she wears dresses, skirts, high heels, does her nails, makes appointments with Chrissy to get her hair done... and the child is only 8. I have a hard time relating to this kid sometimes, honestly, Jeff is more in touch with her feminine side than I am, but there is never a moment I don't look at her with awe and know how lucky I am that she is even here.
There's a funny story here..... Though it is much longer than the thirty seconds afforded if you're simply surfing for credits. If that's the case, click now, otherwise, grab a cup of coffee and settle in, this is a long one.
Anna's dad is Al, one of the sweetest men I have ever met, still is. He is loyal, loving, kind and generous, and he adored me. We met when I was working in a bar on weekends (it was one of three jobs I maintained during my divorce) having come in with his buddies for a beer. I saw him across the room and was instantly attracted. He had the kindest eyes! His appearance was a contradiction though, big tough biker, big tough biker friends, you know, bad ass types, only he isn't. He's shy, quiet, simple. It was intriguing. After a couple of months, he finally asked me out. Well, that's not quite true, I actually dared him to give me a ride on his motorcycle and he accepted, and since it was winter in Ohio, you could see why it was a dare. He went home, got his bike and took me for the coldest ride of my life...but I got his attention.
So began the Al and Kim story. We dated for three lovely years. Though I loved Al and there is no question he loved me, Al and I are two entirely different people. Al leads a simple uncomplicated and serene life, and I on the other hand, would be truly frightened if that ever happened. We were a great couple in separate houses, seeing each other at night for dinner and whatever, but the actual living together thing? No. Our worlds collided and I'm not one to be quiet when things aren't going the way I think they should. Let's just say, I would never- could never - live with me.
One day, I woke up sick. Really sick, then it went away. Strange I thought, it was eerily familiar, nausea, headache, sore boobs... then I laughed. There was no way it was pregnancy, I had my tubes tied five years earlier and I was on birth control to regulate my periods for Christ's sake. I chalked it up to bad chicken wings. Then it happened again. Then again. Scared shitless, I made the purchase of an at home pregnancy test. Sure enough, that dreaded blue line showed up and it was flashing "HAHAHAHA SUCKER, Got Ya!".
I was shocked. Five million thoughts ran through my head at one time. How was I going to work 70 hours a week pregnant? How was I going to manage feeding another kid when things were so hard already? How was I going to tell my teenaged daughters that I was pregnant when I just had the safe sex conversation with them? How was I going to tell my ex that I was having another mans' baby, when he and I had finally become close friends again? How was I going to have a baby with Al when I couldn't even live in the same house with him? Most importantly, how in the hell was I going to have another baby?
I cried. Then I cried more. I cried for four months.
Eventually, the shock of my situation became real and I began to deal with it. I have always been a person who just takes whatever life throws at me and finds a way to make it work, this one was a big one though and it wasn't going to be easy. Adversity, I know thy name well.
Once I made up my mind and had accepted it, I got the word out to the necessary people and helped them deal with the emotion surrounding it all, then started to settle into the idea of being once again, pregnant.
Then Christmas came.
Al came over with a huge load of presents and sat next to me on the couch. I looked at this gentle man and knew that there was no way on earth we would ever survive a relationship with children. We were too different. I told him that though I loved him and that he was a wonderful man, he had to leave. He thought I meant he had to leave my house. When it became clear that I meant we had to stop our relationship, he was crushed, and I felt bad. But I knew it was the right thing. In hindsight, I could have waited until after the holidays to do this to the poor guy, but I'm not known for patience and forethought. In any event, we were through. Sometimes, you just need to trust your instincts.
Two weeks later, I came home from work after an exhausting 13 hour day. I caught up with all of my children on their day at school and visit at grandma's house, made dinner, got the little ones tucked into bed and sat with the older ones to watch TV. The phone rang and as I got up from the sofa, I felt a terrible pain in my back than the unmistakable sensation of passing a large blood clot. I knew instantly that I had just lost the baby. I went to the bathroom and sure enough, I was bleeding profusely. I called my mom and asked her to come to my house to sit with the kids, called Al and told him the news and then drove myself to the hospital.
As I lay there in the emergency room, I thought about how many times I had vocalized how badly I didn't want this kid. How much it had inconvenienced me, how that now, I didn't have to deal with all of the problems this pregnancy had created for me. And then I was overcome by grief. Where the hell was that coming from? I couldn't make sense of it. I was so sad, so devastated by the idea of miscarriage! I was stunned.
The doctor came in and confirmed that I had miscarried. As a formality, it was necessary to perform an ultrasound to determine if a D & C would be required, which I agreed to. Al arrived and was visibly shaken, though he had not been thrilled at the idea of first time parenthood with a woman who wouldn't even date him anymore, he'd begun to embrace the idea. I felt guilty, I felt sad, I felt confused. I just lay there in misery and grief, resigned that once again, life was fucking with my head.
The portable ultrasound unit was wheeled in and the tech quietly scanned my belly. I looked away. Then the tech abruptly stopped.
"I'll be right back" she said. In seconds, the tech returned with my doctor. Again, she scanned my belly. The doctor looked at me and said, "Kim, you are still pregnant."
How could that be? I saw what used to be my kid in the toilet bowl. What was this guy trying to do to me?
"You're full of shit" I said. "There's no way, you even told me I lost the baby, are you a real doctor? Get me your boss you crack head, I don't appreciate your game" The rollercoaster ride was stopping here.
Then he showed me the monitor, and there I saw with my own eyes, one little tiny heart beating away.
I couldn't make sense of it, but there it was, a blob with a pulse. I had seen that image enough times before to know it was true, but how?
After further tests, it was concluded that I had been pregnant with twins and had lost one of the babies. I didn't even know that was possible.
This was almost too surreal to even comprehend. I left the emergency room numb. I didn't know what to think, what to say, how to feel. It was just too crazy.
I went home and went to bed. I slept for ten solid hours, a first in many months. When I awoke I felt different, strong. I felt confident. I knew without a doubt that this baby would change my life and I knew it would be a change that was meant to be. I could do this.
The rest of the pregnancy was uneventful, normal pregnant stuff. My kids were all adjusted to the idea and I was finally happy with it. I got promoted at work and got a nice salary hike, which enabled me to drop my other two jobs, my health insurance kicked in and I had gotten a new car. Things were looking up.
Spring came and my belly was huge. Though it was hard to run a 400 seat restaurant, I continued to work full time. My schedule had been altered to work a six day week instead of long hours packed into a five day workweek, and the owner of the restaurant was a great guy who understood my situation and helped me tremendously. I was a hard worker, I had earned his respect.
May 15th, I'm the opening manager and it's five in the morning. I got the kids all ready for school and dropped off where they needed to be and started driving across town to my job. The sun was shining, the radio was playing and I was in a great mood. Ten miles into my drive on the freeway, I sneezed and bam! My water broke. Holy shit! Now what? Believe it or not, that had never happened to me before, I had always needed to have mine ruptured. Well now, this was different...
I drove to the next exit and pulled up to a pay phone and called my ex husband, "Hi, I have Bonnie with me and I need you to meet me to pick her up, I was taking her to work with me this morning until my mom was finished with her doctor appointment, but I think I'm going to have to go to the hospital and have this baby so I can't wait for her". I hung up the phone, took off my raincoat and sat on it (I had a new car, come on, I didn't want to ruin the seat! How embarrassing would it be to go to a detail shop and ask them how to remove amniotic fluid from velour?) then I drove to our meeting spot and I waited for him to arrive.
He showed up twenty minutes later and I gave him Bon. He was excited and nervous. I was calm. "Are you ok? Do you need me to take you to the hospital?" he asked me, he always was a sucker for babies. I said, "No, I'm fine, I haven't had a single labor pain or anything, this is weird, but it's ok. I'll call you in a little while and let you know what's going on". He hugged me and wished me well and I drove off...And I went straight to work.
I waddled into my restaurant and went straight to the office. My assistant, Joe, was the first person I talked to "Joe, go get me some towels and do it quick" I said, unlocking the door and plopping onto a stool. Jeff was there with a scowl on his face.
"You're late", he said.
I giggled. "Yep, I sure am."
"Well?" he asked me, expecting some lame excuse about my rotten teenaged daughter trying to skip school for the hundredth time. I simply stood up, turned around and bent over slightly showing him my wet ass.
Men don't take that kind of information well.
Panicked, Jeff grabbed me, "Oh my God! Are you ok? Do you need a ride to the hospital? Sit down! Do you want an ambulance? Do you need anything?" You would have thought I walked in with a severed limb.
"No, I'm fine, just tell Joe to hurry up with those towels and give me a cigarette, I really need a smoke". (yeah, I'm one of those people.... but I'm sure stress is more deadly than cigarettes and an occasional smoke kept me sane).
Then I settled onto my stool and started the computer. Joe showed up with the towels and I placed them strategically, lit my smoke and pulled out my files. Jeff and Joe stood there staring at me.
"Can I help you?" I asked them.
"What the hell are you doing?" Jeff asked me in response.
"I'm going to place the food order so we can keep the doors open this week, and then I'm going to make the schedule so that you have staff to run the place while I'm gone". They were both convinced that I had lost my mind.
"No you're not!" said Jeff. He always did think he was the boss.
"Yes I am!" said I, not in the mood for his superior attitude. And it went on like that for fifteen minutes. Now thoroughly annoyed, I informed him that the longer he stood there pestering me, the longer I would remain in the damn building and as time was eventually going to be an issue, he should really consider leaving my ass alone. He was clearly flustered.
"Well, don't you think you should call someone and tell them you are in labor? Like maybe your doctor?"
Oh yeah. I had forgotten about that. "That's not a bad idea, ok, fine, I'll call her and tell her, now will you please leave me alone?". Damn it, I hate it when he's right.
I called the doc and we determined that as long as I was still not feeling any labor pains and that I wasn't in any kind of discomfort, that I would be ok for a little while, but needed to come in and get checked reasonably soon. I promised that I would and set about working on that food order and schedule.
Shortly after my conversation with the doctor, Jeff came in the office with a smug look on his face. This wouldn't be good. I could tell he had done something that was going to irritate me and he had.
"Pick up line one", he said, arms folded across his chest and all six feet five inches of him gleefully smirking at me. I so wanted to slap him. I picked up the phone.
"Kim, this is Paul, (the owner) stop what you are doing and go to the hospital or you're fired."
Damn it. "But Paul! I'm fine!", I started to protest.
"I have given Jeff permission to physically carry you to his car and take you if you don't cooperate" said Paul. I hate it when men scheme in collusion.
"Paul, I really need to do this first, I'm fine! I'm almost done damn it, let me finish this!"
Paul started counting, "One....Two...." UGH! There was no talking to the man.
I hung up the phone, told Jeff he was the biggest pain in my ass of all time and grabbed a stack of towels.
"What are you doing?" asked Jeff, again with that annoying tone of incredulity in his voice.
"What do you think I'm doing!" God, he was thick. "I'm going to the hospital thanks to you, ya big tattletale."
"No you're not!" Jesus, I wished he'd make up his mind!
"Yes I am!", what did he want now?
"How are you getting there?", he asked me.
"Well, it's a little far to walk, so I thought I'd drive my car". I was not in the mood for his retarded questions.
"You can't drive yourself to the hospital!" Ha! I smelled a challenge.
"Yes I can!". And so it went for what seems like an hour.
Eventually, after I had threatened to remove his manhood and fire the entire staff if they didn't get off my back, I won the argument and drove three towns away to where I had arranged to birth my child.
The doctors at the hospital examined me, and what do you know, my water had broke. No shit. I already knew that. But, there were no other signs of labor... No shit, I knew that too. They hooked me up to an IV and told me to relax, that they wanted to watch me for a while and see what happened. Ugh. I hate idle time. I lay there, one hour, two hours, nothing. The docs wanted to give me a shot to induce labor. I considered this idea. Then I looked at the clock. Almost two in the afternoon. My kids would be home from school in an hour. I hadn't made arrangements to have them covered with supervision yet!
"If it's all the same to you, I'd like to leave for a little while. My kids will be home in an hour and I'd like to get them settled somewhere if I'm going to be away for a couple of days."
The doc just stared at me. This was getting to be a regular occurrence.
"You mean you want to leave, as in leave the building?" she asked me.
"Yes." I said. What was so unclear about that?
"You are going to have a baby today Kim."
"Yes, I know, but I'm not going to be doing it any time soon. Look, let me leave for a couple of hours, get my kids squared away and I swear to God, I promise I'll come back".
The doc shook her head, looked back at me over her shoulder, left the room and then returned with a form for me to sign. "Sign this, I'll let you go, but it's against medical advice, you are doing it at your own risk."
I could live with that, it kind of felt like skipping school, it was almost exciting.
"Ok doc, see you in a little while!" and I left.
I drove home, got the kids packed up, cooked dinner, and waited for my relatives to arrive to take their designated child. After everything was settled, I drove back to the hospital and then called Al. Two hours later, I had Anna. The child that wasn't supposed to be but is. One of the greatest presents I have ever gotten in my entire life.
You never know what life is going to hand you. Sometimes even the most disturbing situations bring you gifts you never expected or lessons you never would have learned. I look at this incredible child and can't help smiling, the difficulty I endured, the strength that I discovered, the joy she has brought me and all of the memories that flood me every time I think back.
Jeff and I began living together not long after that, Anna was just a little over six months old when he moved in. We had known each other and worked together for years already, but discovered our love once she was born. It's funny how things work out, how people come into your life and make it wonderful when you aren't looking and in ways you never expected. I have learned to never give up, to never expect that what I have is how it is going to be. It's always a new day and it's always up for grabs how it will turn out. I'm a lucky woman, I've been graced with a girl.
posted by Kim @ 3/03/2005 06:01:00 AM
Who Reads This Crap? Comment: 18
